Almost christmas training time...Came home for the weekend to see the brother before he is off to Sweden to see Lila. I am so freakin' jealous. Just a few more months of school really...I decided to finish my internship in Bend in the spring instead of stay in Corvallis. I'll only have 6 credits left of interning by then so I am going to move after winter and stay with Justin when I finish my last classroom class:) I can't wait to be done at Oregon State and back in Bend. Then its another season of boating! After raft season Justin and I are off to New Zealand to backpack around for two months. I think when we get back I might try to work at the mountain or something. Not sure. This year we are doing our swim training trip after christmas in Arizona. I hope I get tan!!! Ha. I'm not gonna lie- life is pretty damn sweet.

"This world is hopeless, but I love it anyway..."

~Slightly Stoopid

Should I use this thing again??? Hmmm I am so bored, I think I will. This term is creepin' by, I can't wait for it to be over so I can be that much closer to gradauting so I can be in Bend and on the river!! So far, I only have two more classes, and in Spring an internship and no more swimming! Another season with ouzel on the river, then off to New Zealand with the love of my life Justin! Its hard to write again, because I'm not sure where I left off or if anyone is still reading. I guess it doesn't really matter. Things are going so well right now, and swimming is in full swing almost over forever actually...I just bought a really nice new road bike, I've been running, and I think triathalons are in my near future over in Bend. I'll try to keep this a little more updated.

Wow its been awhile...I totally forgot about this thing for a bit. I don't even know where to begin! I am in class right now, its a four hour grant writing class and oh so excruciatingly borring. Like painful borring. like want to kill yourself borring. No comparrison. Seriously. This summer was amazing, on the rivers living it up in Bend as a raft guide. It has been quite a challenge coming back to school and swimming for my one last year. I think it will go fast ( I hope) and I will be back in Bend in no time. Tomorrow I am off to UCLA to race our second meet of the season already. ARGH got to go- class is calling. Boooooo.

Well- it's finally time to move. Even though I will be back in September I feel like I am closing a chapter in my life almost. No more summers living with parents working at the pool, different house, new roomates, new job...Booya. My little Jetta is packed full of pretty much everything I own and overflowing with bikes and boats on top. The last few weeks of this term were hectic and hard, school-wise, job-wise, swimming and emotionally. I feel like I haven't stopped in months. Getting out of the familiar will be the best thing for me. Some people aren't who I thought they were and my concept of who Ichoose to surround myself with has narrowed. Trust is so important to me, its been awhile since it has been challenged or broken. Maybe I needed this to happen before I go to remind me how important it really is, and how much it hurts when it is betrayed. I think as Idrive over the mountains today I will leave it all behind me though...its not worth holding on to. There are so many people in this world that care about me and would never do anything to hurt me. For those people I am so thankful.

"Can't buy what I want because it's free, can't be who you want because I'm me..."

You're making a fool out of me.
I am pretty overwhelmed-
never really been this kind of mad before.
Like seein' red mad.
The kind of shaking mad.
Loyalty blown out the door.
My head is spinning
This all seems so wrong-
can't even think at all.
People around me.
I don't want their pity-
Yet- I keep taking their calls.
Loyalty means everything
so do friends-
live a world without them.
See how long you make it.
Think of that next time-
Hopefully no next time-
hopefully know next time-
how deep the cut can go.

I am so over this. Fuck people.

So hard to come back to school...I am so sick of this routine. I cannot wait to get outside the lines for once and do what I want. So many people have had a say in my life and so many times I just follow the flow. Every minute I spend in class feels like a giant waste of my life. I know it will be good in the long run, but it is some sort of sick torture at the moment. Frustrations from obligations I don't even want. Can't wait to run away from everything.

So here I am in Bend for Guide School...its been awhile since I have written but I am killing some time and its been awhile since I have had to kill any...haha. So I am staying with some friends that I will hopefully be living with this summer if I hopefully get this job guiding for Ouzel. I want to live in Bend so bad- I need to get away from everything for awhile. I think this will be just what I need...distance from routine and all familiar. I pray I get this job. More later.

Blah blah blah. Just another spring term. Trying to get the girls to coordinate on focusing on getting a house for next year. Frustration!I broke my arm a few weeks ago- thats exciting. I get my cast off tomorrow and hopefully everything will be fine and I can get back in the pool! This weekend we are heading up to sunriver to relax- its good because I feel like I need a break from class already. I am sick of school- sometimes I wonder why I am here. Besides the obvious learning thing...and crap. Oh man I think it might be a long term. Getting ready to march all the way across campus for the second time today for the most borring class ever. I am in this running class in the mornings and this a.m. we ran 5.3 miles in 49 minutes. I am beat. And feeling blah.

self destruct...



Sometimes I wonder just when it will all hit me.

Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?

Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?

Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first

Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse

Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,

We get by just fine here on minimum wage

If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,

I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move

The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon

Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know

But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world

We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away,

We get by just fine here on minimum wage

If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,

I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand....

until you hold my hand

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first

Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse

Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,

We get by just fine here on minimum wage

If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,

I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

~RISE AGAINST

swing life away

Leaving for Idaho and Washington Thursday morning. Its our bus trip this year and it should be WAY too much fun! We play this game where you put on headphones and turn up a song really loud and sing along to it in front of everyone. Good for a GREAT laugh. Three weeks of the term almost DONE. I can't wait for Spring and sunshine...laying in Avery park with A-train Leah and Sandy, outdoor practice, camping...SIGH....on and on! Anyway, off to J-nell's for dinner!

"If you say life is beautiful
than I guess it must be true..."

floater

I got no reason

But that I must

Maybe I feel

Like I've been gatherin' dust

I must leave this harbour for the sea

I'm too young to settle down and make a home

But I don't know where I'm wanting to be

I just know I have to be there alone

Pale winter sun

Is beatin' the ground

Why'm I throwin' away

The best thing that I've found

My young heart's in tatters and I'm sure

That it will be a long time healing

It's so hard to see what I'm doing this for

When loneliness is all that I'm feeling

Now the wind it is blowing

Blowing leaves from the trees

I've got no use knowing

That with time it'll ease

I don't know where I'm going

Hope I get there soon

Cos my soul is hollow

As the sorrowful moon

The night is raining on my weary head

Taking me back

See the sun spread its wings of gold

As the dawn unfurls

Hear the song that the moon sings

To the darkened world

Feel the fire lighting

In the bitter cold

It's like the light that shines

Through the windows of your soul

~David Gray

Swamped with school! Make the busy work stop...! And it is only the first week. The past two weeks (going on three) of practice have been kicking my ass so bad. I don't think I have been this tired in awhile. DRAGGING my ass through the water has been a challenge but only a little under two months left then PAC TENS and SPRING TERM baby! Which means more fun and more time to do what I want. I've been thinking about all these things to do this summer and saving so hopefully I can get away with working as little (if at all) as possible. One of them definately involves going to live in a tent in my buddy Lila's backyard in Utah for a month while she is guiding and hopefully picking up some work down there. I have to come back to Cow-town to move out of our apartment (we are getting a house with a buncha girls) and into our house- then I am living with my bro in Eugene (if I come back to Eugene) with his roomies Jazz and Doug. I get to live on the porch....lol its big and covered and there is even a futon...it would only be for a month if that. I am excited to travel around and do what I want! Yea for summer!

Truckin' on and making it more or less. Things seem harder than they have been lately. It is such a struggle to stay focused on the right things, especially when I can't tell which things are the right ones. Not sure how this is going to go...

"He thinks that singing on Sunday

is gonna save his soul,

Now that Saturday's gone..."

~Jack Johnson

Tonight is one of those nights I feel like a total and complete failure...like I have let everyone around me down. Sometimes it's like the person I am trying to be is standing back watching and laughing at me. I can't do it anymore.